GreekCircle Magazine is the premier publication of the Greek Community.

Greek Circle, Spring, 2007

The Second Time Around
By: Helen Kolettis
MatchDotBomb, A Midlife Journey through Internet Dating

by Francine Pappadis Friedman

Dating is hard enough the first time around. Many women—and men—spend years trying to find that perfect someone… a “soul mate.” Those years often are filled with nervous first phone calls, awkward first dates, even more awkward goodnights, and it’s-not-you-it’s-me breakups. When the “one” finally arrives, most people gladly exchange their dating years for happily ever after.

But what happens when happily ever after is cut short? How do you reenter the dating world years after you waved it goodbye? Francine Pappadis Friedman explores this subject in her new book MatchDotBomb, A Midlife Journey through Internet Dating.

The book is a true account of Pappadis-Friedman’s experiences with the world of online dating. The introduction begins with some revealing statistics: there are 78 million baby boomers in this country, more than 89 million single adults, and more than one-third of all the dates in the United States are generated online. “I never thought that I would become a member of that triple statistic simultaneously,” she writes. It’s also in the book’s introduction that we learn Pappadis-Friedman lost her husband, Bob, her soul mate since the age of sixteen.

In 2000, three years after her husband’s passing, Pappadis-Friedman begins dating an acquaintance but ends the relationship rather quickly. Over the next few years, friends arrange blind dates that she writes “would not have been so bad had I been comatose.” With her two children grown and on their own, and with no successful fix-ups to tell of, Pappadis-Friedman finds contentment in decorating her new condo, immersing herself in work, and planning a “new order of nuns with other single women who couldn’t bear another fix-up.”

But in early 2003, a spontaneous dinner with lifelong friends Linda and Nancy leads Pappadis-Friedman to embark on the journey of a lifetime. Her friends convince—or blackmail, as she writes—her to try the world of Internet dating. And so the adventure begins.

To enter this new world, Pappadis-Friedman needs three things: a cyber name, a headline to catch the attention of prospective suitors and a profile. “Preparing for the world of Internet dating was, for me, similar to getting ready for a job interview,” she writes. “I assessed my qualifications and experiences and then determined how to go about presenting myself in the best light or, more accurately, the brightest glow of the computer screen.”

Pappadis-Friedman’s online profile (an abbreviated version appears in the book) was viewed by 9, 978 people and elicited 337 responses (statistics the Internet service keeps track of for subscribers). Of those 337 responses, she “meets a patchwork of candidates with a myriad of interests—some toting their baggage in small nylon satchels… others dragging steamer trunks.” Yet through it all, she remains hopeful “that one of them would be a perfect match.”

While it would be impossible to provide every detail of all the dates Pappadis-Friedman went on, highlights are included. And while the names and some details have been changed, her dating experiences are recounted with humor, honesty and without judgment. They are real, and often laugh-out-loud funny.

Take, for instance, her first “match,” Shelly, a thrice-divorced financial adviser who’s been through twenty-two secretaries in thirty years. Craig, another match, is compelled to share details of the sexual chemistry he shared with his ex-wife… details he shares within the first 60 seconds of their meeting. Then there’s Frank, who has an affinity for all things astrological. Shortly after inquiring as to Pappadis-Friedman’s sign, we learn he’s also a grammar guru, as he proceeds to correct her grammar and comment on his own grammar throughout their meeting. Another entertaining suitor is Jack, who proceeds to perform his stand-up routine, answering most questions with jokes or one-liners that are laughable, though not because they are funny. This random sampling of potential mates barely scratches the surface of dating dysfunction that often (though not always) ensues.

While the main focus of Pappadis-Friedman’s book is to walk us through her online experience and the self-discovery it inadvertently provides, strong underlying themes of family and friendship permeate throughout the book. The endless support of her friends and family is integral to her open-minded approach. The memories of loved ones that have passed, most importantly her husband, Bob, guide her through some of the tougher moments, yet also lead her to some difficult realizations. How do you keep the memories of someone you once loved alive while trying to find someone to create new memories with?

The closest Pappadis-Friedman comes to a match is with Peter, a fellow Internet dater, who, ironically, she doesn’t meet online, but rather through a mutual friend. The relationship lasts about a year, but in the end their dissimilar interests lead them to amicably part ways. Although Peter discusses a “future” with Pappadis-Friedman, she realizes that she is less concerned with being a couple and more concerned with being with herself. “I finally wanted to focus on where I was going, instead of with whom,” she writes.

In the end, Pappadis-Friedman’s online adventure leads to more soul searching than it does a soul mate. Her dates helped her learn more about who she is, and lead her to realize that she is responsible for her own happiness. While she remains open to finding love a second time around, she knows that life is fragile and happiness can be fleeting. She knows that, on her own, she “will survive, perhaps even thrive.” Her focus becomes her journey, and where it will take her. “I was the voyager. Internet dating was the crossing,” she writes in her epilogue. “And with the excursion’s many experiences, came an invaluable lesson; that, just like me, life too is out there and it’s meant to be explored. It truly is a journey. And although traveling companions can add or detract from the trip—often depending upon pure luck—the adventures are ours and are there for the taking. Life is temporal… it’s the journeys that are constant. And they await.”